Shutter Sisters

giving in

By

Oh, is it that time already? I guess I’ll skip it today. Besides, I’m feeling totally depressed and angsty. I can’t deal with it. And anyway, I’ve been procrastinating too much! I have to get a move on my thesis. I should have a rough draft by the end of the day! Now, on to Bourdieu…Hmm, I don’t know what that word means, so I guess I’ll just skip on over to dictionary.com. Oh look! There’s my bookmarks tab! I wonder what sweetsalty Kate is up to today? Maybe she’s put up a new post since I checked five minutes ago…

My full time job this summer is writing my thesis. As jobs go, it could be much worse. But there comes a point at which my bed/study/desk/dining-room table turns into the Swamp of Sadness (see “The Neverending Story”). It’s 3:00 pm, I’ve glazed over only one half-page of the literary-theoretical equivalent of a ball of steel-wool (no end, beginning, rhyme, or reason. And it’s scratchy…) and I wish it later so that I could justify going to sleep because that feels like all I’m good for.

My stay-cation tugs at my attention from the corner of the room. COME TO ME, it says, I CAN HELP. Shut up! My life is an endless sea of drudgery and I’m in the middle of feeling sorry for myself, so bugger off. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO, it coaxes. The voices then stop but the object of interest, my yoga mat, sits buzzing in the corner. I give in.

At first, the mat curls up. My feet and arms turn into 13-year-old boys just hitting puberty, all out of control and not remembering how to move in the world. That’s enough! Breathe, exhale, downward dog, in, out, in, out, in, out, down into push-up-thing oh, I can’t do it, breathe, knees, chin, chest, baby cobra, exhale, downward dog.



I settle in, begin to move with my breath, and I stop avoiding my thesis. I start breathing deep, feeling stretching holding my body self, living it as its happening, not anticipating how it might end up. I finish, red, sweaty, eyes closed and wrapped in calm that makes me feel like I might know what religion is about.

Pictures and words courtesy of guest blogger/honorary sister Alex Stokes.

Comments

  1. made me smile…

    i have 19 days of mat leave left – we have not secured day care or nanny, i am sad & anxious to leave my bb boy – i feel like i should have accomplished something in 365 days off – or should have got rid of that last 10 lbs – finished a painting – or taken a photography course… but later this morning i will wake up on his 11month birthday – with my bb & bb daddy beside – we’ll eat, play in the pool, walk the dog, go to the market, comb the beach for treasure, nap, read a book, play in the park, nap, eat, snuggle to sleep & then i will have 18 days left.

    & that is ok

    http://365daysofdifferent.blogspot.com/2009/08/19-days-counting.html

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/djbeat/3790802327/in/photostream/

  2. Oh…what an absolutely beautiful post…and one that I can so relate to in my day-to-day. My yoga mat is often my secret sanctuary…my place of refuge..my ‘go-to’ space when there’s nowhere else to go.Thank-you..thank-you fo putting such exquisite words to the feelings.
    Just breathe.
    Namaste’.

  10. Kate, you temptress you! Fie and double blast! I’ve many theories to articulate with astounding ease. Bourdieu, and not you will be the apple of my eye. His theory on…well…you know, he’s got some theories I think. And they’re very good. So I’ll be getting on with that now. But please pass on my contact info if Viggo stops in again.