I Picked up my Camera
I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression (PPD) a little over a year ago. My reaction to the diagnosis was mixed. At that point in my life, I was completely numb to everything that was going on around me, detached from my little girls, my husband, my friends. I guess I could say I was relieved by the news, slightly comforted by the fact that I had an excuse for how I was acting. The depression wasn’t me; it was something that was happening to me.
Unfortunately, all that came with the diagnosis was a bottle of little blue pills and a handful of books. I needed help, and I thought I had asked for it. I couldn’t find support groups or therapists because I would have a panic attack just thinking about having to pick up the phone. The “what ifs” were incessant, and I was drowning in them. I had to completely depend on the help of those around me, primarily my husband who truly became my knight-in-shining-armor. Not only was I numb, detached, and anxious, I felt that I had absolutely no control over what was happening to me. I would try to talk to myself rationally, convince myself I’d be ok, but emotionally I was consumed. I felt like my life had stalled. I kept trying to start it back up again, but something just wasn’t making a connection.
Slowly, things started to get better, and as they did, I realized that I needed an outlet. I needed a way to document what was happening, what I was seeing, how I was feeling. I needed to put myself out there so others could see and understand what was going on in my life. I picked up my camera and began a 365 day project. I decided that if I made myself pick up my camera everyday to learn something new about it, or about taking pictures, or about post-processing, then I would be spending less time feeling sorry for myself and I would start a new process of growth.
I failed miserably at my project, only making it 1/3 of the way through, but that was only as far as I needed to go. Along the way I discovered some pretty amazing people, and they inspired me over and over again, though they may not have even realized it. Not only that, but I was encouraged to try new things, to set goals, and to take risks. Most importantly, I found myself surrounded by a community of strong and wise women who brought me back from something dark and scary. I’m finally at a place, one year later, that I feel I’m on top of things (though we all have our down days). All it took was working up the nerve to pick up my camera.
What has your camera done for you?
Photo and words courtesy of Honorary Sister/ Guest Blogger Meg Farehbach (Tea & Brie).
39 Comments
Reader Comments (39)
http://www.marciescudderphotography.com/index.php?showimage=945
http://esterdaphne.blogspot.com/
what has my camera done for me?
quite simply, it has set me free.
thank you for sharing, and reminding us all that we are not alone even in our darkest times.
My camera gives wings to a piece of flannel, lace and a song always!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sammymom/3910215589
http://lifesignatures.org/wordpress/2009/10/october-8-wordless-wednesday/
And it got me closer to my little girl, who is always involved in my projects, and wanting to know everything.
But music was the thing that once saved my life. Singing.
But that's another story.
Thank you for sharing this from the dark side of the moon, into the bright TODAY!
Thank you for your post.
And, just to share a little more, here is the first image I did for my 365....
http://www.flickr.com/photos/7565577@N04/3205090906/in/set-72157612638427899/
It makes me cringe, but it was the "first shot of the rest of my life" kind of thing.
I had forgotten who I was. I started my blog. with this in mind:
I CALLED IT AUBREY PLAYS. BECAUSE I WANTED TO PLAY. I NEEDED TO PLAY. IT WAS TIME TO LET GO AND JUST PLAY. THE FUNNY THING IS, IT HAS ACTUALLY GIVEN ME THE PERMISSION I NEEDED TO DO JUST THAT. LIFE IS BUSY. SO YOU MIGHT SAY...WHO HAS THE TIME?
YOU DO.
10 MINUTES OF PLAY IN A DAY,
CAN CHANGE YOUR WHOLE OUTLOOK FOR WHERE A DAY MIGHT END UP.
IT CAN BOOST YOUR SPIRITS.
IT IS ACTUALLY NEEDED.
SO HERE'S YOUR NUDGE - PERMISSION IF YOU NEED IT.
GO PLAY!
{YOU NEVER KNOW, YOU MIGHT JUST REDISCOVER YOUR INNER SELF}
Congrats on your journey with your camera. Rock on.
Living in SD is very isolating. The people here don't take to outsiders very well and so I've found myself on the depressed, lonely end of things quite a bit lately. We've been here four years and still I have not one friend in this state. Sure, acquintances to say hi to in passing or at school functions, but nobody to hang out with.
When my husband sees me losing my mind in the solitude, he takes me on a picture-taking day. He drives the country roads, stopping whereever I ask, and I get out and just take picture after picture of the beautiful scenery. Soon time escapes me and within an hour or two, I am feeling chipper and exited about life again.
My pictures aren't always as lovely as yours but just the getting out there with some type of purpose, reminding me that life still exists, really helps.
http://bostongirlontheverge.blogspot.com
and my using it also encourages me daughters to reach for their goals:
http://www.jenicamckenzie.com/theonelittleone/2009/10/1/creation.html
meg, you have come so far and are all the more amazing for it. i'm lucky to know you and have you as my inspiration.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/papillonsky/3971891366/in/set-72157621917863574/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/papillonsky/3840115212/in/set-72157621917863574/
And my camera has gotten me through some really hard times and allowed me to express myself when the words weren't there:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/papillonsky/3725392932/in/set-72157613170559543/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/valeenwashington/2100144321/
I remember taking this picture after a damaging ice storm a few years back. I had to document damage for insurance claims that I had but when I got the corner of the tree in all its ice glory, in one of the photo's I zoomed in...amazing. That first picture was by accident but since then, it's not. I like that my heart can translate to my eyes then to my camera what I see...
My camera has always been, and will continue to be, my avenue to catharsis, and on some days it is a justification for my existence. It is one of the few ways I can find validation and confidence when all of those dark day devils have stripped me of every last bit of my self.
I've admired your work for a while and I appreciate your openness about your struggle. Know that you are not alone! And that you have my support and my help--and my admiration for your talent and courage--whenever you need them.
this post is great. so encouraging. so uplifting. i am so glad that this was here today. thank you.
...my camera has accompanied me across the country and back, and on every adventure before and after
...my camera has given me a way of framing the situation
...my camera has taken the happy photos that survived dark times
...my camera has taken bumps and drops and dirt and baby drool and has STILL taken the shots I need
...my camera has captured the moments I was so scared I might miss or forget
I may trade up for a fancy model with better zoom and a detachable lens, but I will always have room in my pocket for my little camera that has reminded me of all the awesome, amazing things I've gotten to see and do.
http://bellarosephotography.wordpress.com/2009/10/06/new-beginning-new-venture/
My husband and I very recently lost a baby at 20 week pregnant. It's been a trying time emotionally for us both and my camera has truly been a healing force as we've gone this experience. I discovered my photography before the pregnancy but after I discovered how much passion I now have for taking pictures and documenting the simple things and insignificant moments people often take for granted.
Anyway, thank for the positive reminder of why we need to all just pick up the camera often.