Shutter Sisters

I Picked up my Camera

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I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression (PPD) a little over a year ago.  My reaction to the diagnosis was mixed.  At that point in my life, I was completely numb to everything that was going on around me, detached from my little girls, my husband, my friends.  I guess I could say I was relieved by the news, slightly comforted by the fact that I had an excuse for how I was acting.  The depression wasn’t me; it was something that was happening to me.

Unfortunately, all that came with the diagnosis was a bottle of little blue pills and a handful of books.  I needed help, and I thought I had asked for it.  I couldn’t find support groups or therapists because I would have a panic attack just thinking about having to pick up the phone.  The “what ifs” were incessant, and I was drowning in them.  I had to completely depend on the help of those around me, primarily my husband who truly became my knight-in-shining-armor.  Not only was I numb, detached, and anxious, I felt that I had absolutely no control over what was happening to me.  I would try to talk to myself rationally, convince myself I’d be ok, but emotionally I was consumed.  I felt like my life had stalled.  I kept trying to start it back up again, but something just wasn’t making a connection. 

Slowly, things started to get better, and as they did, I realized that I needed an outlet.  I needed a way to document what was happening, what I was seeing, how I was feeling.  I needed to put myself out there so others could see and understand what was going on in my life.  I picked up my camera and began a 365 day project.  I decided that if I made myself pick up my camera everyday to learn something new about it, or about taking pictures, or about post-processing, then I would be spending less time feeling sorry for myself and I would start a new process of growth.

I failed miserably at my project, only making it 1/3 of the way through, but that was only as far as I needed to go.  Along the way I discovered some pretty amazing people, and they inspired me over and over again, though they may not have even realized it.  Not only that, but I was encouraged to try new things, to set goals, and to take risks.  Most importantly, I found myself surrounded by a community of strong and wise women who brought me back from something dark and scary.  I’m finally at a place, one year later, that I feel I’m on top of things (though we all have our down days).  All it took was working up the nerve to pick up my camera.

What has your camera done for you?

Photo and words courtesy of Honorary Sister/ Guest Blogger Meg Farehbach (Tea & Brie). 

Comments

  3. I too suffered a major depression- unusually though when I was pregnant, and had to have some pretty horrendous treatment- and although the depression lifted like a cloud- literally- when I gave birth I have from time to time since suffered from periods of the blues, with an accompanying terror that it would descend into something worse. Thank goodness, it never has, but I see my photography and other artistic outlets as a major part of my strategy for healthy living. It’s simple, it makes me happy!

  4. meg, your words sound like my thoughts. i also came through ppd and anxiety, it was during that time when i reached for a camera. i clung to it actually, and it inevitably gave me new eyes.

    what has my camera done for me?
    quite simply, it has set me free.

    thank you for sharing, and reminding us all that we are not alone even in our darkest times.

  6. Meg, I had no idea…You provide that same inspiration for me. I’m glad you’re fog has lifted as it is so scary…

  9. love this, meg. just beautiful. being in that place is so scary, but it is wonderful to see how you allowed your camera to show you the way out. so glad you’re feeling better!

  10. Thanks for sharing your journey. Photography is a wonderful thing, to help us see and be seen by the world. Am so glad you picked up a camera!

  13. Meg, your story is all too familiar. Been there, done that and waiting for the next attack lurking in the shadows. Glad you are feeling better. YOU are an inspiration to many if you didn’t know that. 😉

  14. Isn’t it a delightful surprise when we inspire others without even knowing it? And others inspire us right back! Thanks for being brave and thanks for sharing!

  15. Your story is so powerful and very close to my own. Photography has helped me to find myself and understand the world around me. It’s amazing what a camera can teach. Such a touching story! Thanks for sharing! 🙂

  16. I always had a camera on my shoulder, here or there. But with digital, of course, I found myself with the camera around me every single day. That opened for me the possibility of reaching people through time and space, specifically.
    And it got me closer to my little girl, who is always involved in my projects, and wanting to know everything.
    But music was the thing that once saved my life. Singing.
    But that’s another story.
    Thank you for sharing this from the dark side of the moon, into the bright TODAY!

  17. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your honesty! It’s so comforting to know you’re not "the only one." I’ve had to go on anti-depressants two different times in the past ten years, but really, the people around me, the ones who showed me how to look for hope and beauty, they saved me each time. I’m currently still trying hard to find and focus on these things. I’m a total novice, but it really is amazing how the camera shows us a whole new world.
    Thank you for your post.

  21. I too decided to pick up my camera. I was very sad every day with real life issues going on in my life.
    I had forgotten who I was. I started my blog. with this in mind:

    I CALLED IT AUBREY PLAYS. BECAUSE I WANTED TO PLAY. I NEEDED TO PLAY. IT WAS TIME TO LET GO AND JUST PLAY. THE FUNNY THING IS, IT HAS ACTUALLY GIVEN ME THE PERMISSION I NEEDED TO DO JUST THAT. LIFE IS BUSY. SO YOU MIGHT SAY…WHO HAS THE TIME?
    YOU DO.
    10 MINUTES OF PLAY IN A DAY,
    CAN CHANGE YOUR WHOLE OUTLOOK FOR WHERE A DAY MIGHT END UP.
    IT CAN BOOST YOUR SPIRITS.
    IT IS ACTUALLY NEEDED.
    SO HERE’S YOUR NUDGE – PERMISSION IF YOU NEED IT.
    GO PLAY!
    {YOU NEVER KNOW, YOU MIGHT JUST REDISCOVER YOUR INNER SELF}

    Congrats on your journey with your camera. Rock on.

  22. Isn’t it amazing how a sad turn of events can give you a gift you never knew existed before?

    Living in SD is very isolating. The people here don’t take to outsiders very well and so I’ve found myself on the depressed, lonely end of things quite a bit lately. We’ve been here four years and still I have not one friend in this state. Sure, acquintances to say hi to in passing or at school functions, but nobody to hang out with.

    When my husband sees me losing my mind in the solitude, he takes me on a picture-taking day. He drives the country roads, stopping whereever I ask, and I get out and just take picture after picture of the beautiful scenery. Soon time escapes me and within an hour or two, I am feeling chipper and exited about life again.

    My pictures aren’t always as lovely as yours but just the getting out there with some type of purpose, reminding me that life still exists, really helps.

  25. my camera has given me a way to change my perspective. even on the crappiest days between layoffs and illnesses, i make myself take my 365 shot and somehow always manage to find beauty and happiness behind the lens. now i have something to look forward to, and a dream ahead of me.

    meg, you have come so far and are all the more amazing for it. i’m lucky to know you and have you as my inspiration.

  26. Thank you Meg for sharing your story…you are truly inspirational! My camera has done wonders for me in the last few months….It somehow allows me and inspires me to find beauty in things I never even noticed before. It helps me take time to find the amazing details of the world around me…. I can’t believe I didn’t take time to notice these things until I started photography on a more regular basis,, it actually has changed how I view the world. I am going through having my son diagnosed with aspergers syndrome. Through the tears and sadness my camera somehow helps me put things in perspective. Life is beautiful.

  27. Oh, Meg, what a great post. I’m so sorry about what you went through and glad your camera helped. My camera has helped me see something beautiful every day–details I can’t even see with my naked eyes. It is such a gift because now every where I go, I am overwhelmed by beauty.
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/papillonsky/3971891366/in/set-72157621917863574/
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/papillonsky/3840115212/in/set-72157621917863574/

    And my camera has gotten me through some really hard times and allowed me to express myself when the words weren’t there:
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/papillonsky/3725392932/in/set-72157613170559543/

  28. My camera has shown me that there is beautify in everything…

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/valeenwashington/2100144321/

    I remember taking this picture after a damaging ice storm a few years back. I had to document damage for insurance claims that I had but when I got the corner of the tree in all its ice glory, in one of the photo’s I zoomed in…amazing. That first picture was by accident but since then, it’s not. I like that my heart can translate to my eyes then to my camera what I see…

  29. My story’s pretty much the same as yours. PPD and me finding comfort in my camera. Sometimes holding my camera is the only time I forget how stressful life can get. It’s my creative outlet and a huge release.

  31. Meg…How well I know the places you have been and the journey you are on.
    My camera has always been, and will continue to be, my avenue to catharsis, and on some days it is a justification for my existence. It is one of the few ways I can find validation and confidence when all of those dark day devils have stripped me of every last bit of my self.
    I’ve admired your work for a while and I appreciate your openness about your struggle. Know that you are not alone! And that you have my support and my help–and my admiration for your talent and courage–whenever you need them.

  32. i can’t even begin to explain how my camera and taking photos has gotten me through one of the most difficult years of my life. it has kept me sane through being unemployed for several months and then my husband also losing his job. it has given me a reason to get up and get dressed and get outside. it has filled a void created by not being able to have children with something that i think only a creative outlet could. it has been a joy. a learning process. it has revealed a passion for photography that i never knew i had.

    this post is great. so encouraging. so uplifting. i am so glad that this was here today. thank you.

  33. My camera is a very basic point-and-shoot number that I’ve wanted to upgrade for years to a DSLR, but I love it – because…
    …my camera has accompanied me across the country and back, and on every adventure before and after
    …my camera has given me a way of framing the situation
    …my camera has taken the happy photos that survived dark times
    …my camera has taken bumps and drops and dirt and baby drool and has STILL taken the shots I need
    …my camera has captured the moments I was so scared I might miss or forget

    I may trade up for a fancy model with better zoom and a detachable lens, but I will always have room in my pocket for my little camera that has reminded me of all the awesome, amazing things I’ve gotten to see and do.

  34. Meg, thank you for sharing this. I can relate to you in a similar, but also very different way. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility (including a miscarriage) for two years. So even though you and I are on opposite sides of a pregnancy, we share the experience of using a camera to heal. Your post reminds me to keep taking photographs that provide an emotional outlet.

  35. Thank you for such a powerful post. It hits close to home for me in a similar but different way. I actually just posted a blog detailing my journey:

    http://bellarosephotography.wordpress.com/2009/10/06/new-beginning-new-venture/

    My husband and I very recently lost a baby at 20 week pregnant. It’s been a trying time emotionally for us both and my camera has truly been a healing force as we’ve gone this experience. I discovered my photography before the pregnancy but after I discovered how much passion I now have for taking pictures and documenting the simple things and insignificant moments people often take for granted.

    Anyway, thank for the positive reminder of why we need to all just pick up the camera often.

  36. Photography is helping me through unemployment…. I am experimenting with my camera,and taking advantage of my extra time to go to various places (mostly local of course) that I’ve wanted to photograph… it helps me to feel that I’m still interesting and creative even though job hunting is like a long series of REALLY BAD blind dates!! It’s also something I can do "for free" thanks to digital media. So, no guilt about "wasting money".

  37. My daughter is the photographer in the family!.She is a photo major in college. We adopted her from Korea when she was a baby!. I am a Christian Scientist and have had many healings through prayer!. Breast Cancer and many others including her adoption. There are too many to list!. I don’t usually blog someone about my beliefs. But, I believe that C.S helps!. If you ever want to talk e-mail me!.

  38. meg, your way with words and a camera have always inspired me. and they always will. this is a beautiful account of how you bravely pushed through to a healing place. and we are all the better for it. love to you. xxxoo